Yesterday I had lunch with a friend and she asked me some questions about adoption. She was trying to be nice and super politically correct when she said, “So, did you have a few hard times when Amos came home?” I kinda chuckled. I always find these conversations a little hard to navigate. In my head I’m thinking, a few hard times, um how about years of hard times. But I worry about scaring them out of adoption. But then I worry if I’m not honest they will not be prepared. How much can you truly prepare someone for this journey?
I told her about some of our hard times and struggles and then I raved about how awesome things have been lately. For a split second things seemed normal. I couldn’t remember the last outrage. I couldn’t remember the last fit. I couldn’t remember the last evil look.
Today we had counseling with Amos and it was awesome. He loves seeing his counselor and he did so well. We left and I still talked with him about some things we talked about and he never shut down. We stopped by to see Aaron at the church and had a great time.
We get home and I make dinner and I made what Amos had requested. Pasta with no sauce.
I added broccoli. He didn’t ask for broccoli. That’s all it took. He was sad. Then mad. Then simple requests turned into huge ordeals and the night was over. Mean words were said by a seven year old that I know doesn’t mean them. I know he doesn’t comprehend what he’s saying. I know he is pushing away all to guard his heart. I know this.
It still hurts.
I just found myself crying out to God asking him to help my little boy. To heal his heart. To help me. I want to mother him well, even when it’s hard. My mind went back to yesterday when I was saying how good things were going and then tonight it’s like a bomb went off in his little head. I don’t get it. It doesn’t make sense to me.
BUT, I love him through it. I keep telling him that. He keeps asking why and I keep telling him why. I love this kid so much and as much as nights like this make me angry, they make me so very sad. I’m sad for his heart. It is hurt. I’m sad for his brain. It is hurt. I’m asking God to heal his hurt heart and brain. To help him trust our love all the time, even when I put broccoli in the past that he requested.