I can’t sleep.  I’ve been in bed since 11 and not much sleep has happened.  It is 2 am and I’m tossing and turning all night long.  I have adoption sleep disorder.  Catchy name, uh?  I just named it that.  It is a disorder taking over hundreds of homes at any given night.  Your brain will not turn off.  There is nothing that you can do.  It keeps going and going and going.  You see images of your children.  You see your paperwork moving from one office to the next.  You imagine the worst case scenario of your paperwork getting denied.  You imagine the emails you’ll receive about your progress.  At one point I think Barb is talking to me.  Now I’m not only experiencing adoption sleep disorder I’m now fallen victim of adoption hallucinations.  I now think I’m seeing my kids.  I keep hearing Lori’s voice from IN telling me that Barb is working on this and that for me.  Then I open my eyes and I’m still in my bed next to Aaron who is very oblivious to my tossing and turning.

When I can’t sleep I don’t want anyone to sleep.  I have woken him up a few times to tell him I can’t sleep only to get a grunt and half hug with one arm slung over my body as if to say I’m sorry, but not really.  This makes me furious.  Livid mad.  Furious.  Not furious that he doesn’t talk to me mind you, but yet very furious that he can sleep.  I want what he has.  The ability to shut it off at night.

So, if you are ever up at night experiencing either of these strange phenomenon’s know that you are not alone.  We have all been there and done that.  I remember when I was pregnant and I couldn’t sleep towards the end of my pregnancy for a number of reasons, but mainly because I was so large and in charge that my body was down right uncomfortable.  The same scenario went down those nights as Aaron would grunt while I would beg for mercy from him for  my disorder.  Even though this disorder was mainly brought on by my obscene love obsession with Sonic tater tots with cheese during my pregnancy I hated it too.  The fact that he could sleep when I could not.   Furious.  Livid.  Furious.  But I think those sleepless nights prepared me for the real sleepless nights that occur when a newborn comes home.  Maybe these sleepless nights over the next months, years (oh how I hate to see that ‘s’ at the end of year) will be preparing me for something too.

Until then … I will do the same.  Try to clear my mind and walk back upstairs get back in bed next to my very sleepy hubby and try once again to unwind.  To let it go.  I will begin to pray and ask God to take my thoughts and make them his.  I will beg him to keep my kids safe and get them home quickly.  I will beg of him to mold me during this journey and bring me to the other side of it changed and more like Him.  I will also beg him for strength tomorrow when the alarm goes off in about 3.5 hours!  Gulp!

Good night …. I hope.

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