as haiti is getting closer i have so many thoughts running through my head. i try to imagine what i will feel the first time i see amos and story and i can never get an image in my head. i cant even begin to imagine what that is going to be like. i try to imagine how amos will be towards me. i can’t. i try to imagine what his skin will feel like. i can’t. i try to imagine what he will feel like to sit on my lap. i can’t. i try to imagine what i’ll say to him. i can’t. i try to imagine holding story. i can’t. i try to imagine feeding her a bottle. i can’t. i try to imagine rocking her to sleep. i can’t.

my mind is swirling with unknowns. what will amos think of me. what will he think of me when i leave. what will we do for the days that i’m there with him. what will his emotions be.

i am pretty sure that this trip is mostly for me and not him. he has no idea what a mom is. he has no idea what i am to him. sure he has seen my picture, but i’m not sure his little 2.5 year old mind has an idea of what i am to him. i will be there for me. for me to hold him and touch him and see him. for me to meet him and love on him for the days that i’m there. this trip is monumental for me. i will meet my two children for the first time. i will try to remember so much to bring home to aaron. i am sad he will not be there too to meet his new son and daughter.

aaron wrote a song that i absolutely love. tonight as i sat in the room and listend to him sing this song tears were once again in my eyes. i feel like the words to this song are the words to my life right now. they echo my thoughts and feelings.

Jesus, healer of brokenness
Savior, the fixer of troubled souls
Redeemer, turning my eyes to thee
Mighty God, just and merciful

Oh God of beauty and grace
you are my resting place
all of my life is found in you
You’ve taken my brokenness
made me whole once again
all of my life is found in you
i’m found in you

all my security
my destiny
what lies ahead is found in you
all my hopes and dreams
all my thoughts unseen
all my wants are found in you
what I dread and fear
all that weighs me down
all my trust is found in you
my sustaining breath
all that gives me strength
all life-giving is found in you

so tonight I’m once again reminded that my fears and what weighs me down is not too much for God. he is right there with me through all of this. he knows the outcome. he knows the path i will go. he knows amos and he knows story, for he created them in his own image and has big plans for their life. i’m blessed to be a part of their life.

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