Dear Jamie in March of 2010,

TRL2010-03-21_673Right now you wonder if this is the worst time of your life, although it’s supposed to be the best and because of that, you are so confused.  FINALLY after 2.5 years you have your son home.  You have waited for this day for so long, now it’s here, and you are feeling so guilty because some days you don’t feel grateful for him being home.

You are tired and exhausted.  Your days feel so long and sometimes your house seems out of control.  You are happy deep down (you think), but sometimes you wonder if your life as you knew it would ever be back.

The ease of parenting seems to be gone.  Life was so easy before four kids.  When you look in the mirror you see a frazzled woman that seems to have lost her way.  She used to be so confident, and now she is scared in her parenting.  Every decision and move seems to be carefully weighed out on whether or not it’s the right thing to do.  So much more seems to be at stake now.

Your son seems to love you like crazy one moment, and the next he pushes you away and wants nothing to do with you.  You are so confused.

I want to hold you and rock you right now, because only being four years removed I remember these feelings so well, but I have great news for you.  Listen closely.  This time will be the hardest you have endured so far as a mommy, but let me reassure you that it will get easier.  Your son loves you dearly, and he just doesn’t know how to show you.  He is scared.  He is confused.  Keep pursuing his heart.  Keep loving him.  Keep holding him and whispering in his ear that you will never leave him.

It will sink in.

2010 is going to be a rough year.  I’m not gonna lie to you.  But you can do it.  You will do it.  2011 will be hard but easier than before, and 2012 will be even better.  I’m writing you this letter from 2013, and let me tell you it’s a different ballgame.  Same players, just different plays.  Amos loves his momma, and I can’t wait for you to get to 2013 and see how different this kid is.

Your son is amazing, and right now you don’t see that so much.  It’s there.  Help him find it himself.

The good news is that each day God is molding you closer to himself and to your son.  Only God can do this, so let him work.

Stay strong Jamie, because your son and other kids need you.  God has not forgotten you or your son, but yet he is molding both of you into people that look more like Jesus and can get through trials with each other.

Keep loving your son and take one day at a time.  It’s all you can do most days.

Love,

Jamie in 2013

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