For those of you that have been down this adoption road or are on it now, you will understand my thoughts. EVERY thought goes back to our kids in Haiti. EVERY subject turns my mind to them. EVERY prayer is 98% about them. EVERY tear shed is for them. EVERY conversation includes them.
I feel as though I can’t escape them in my mind. My heart is so in love with them. My heart is becoming bonded with two children that I have never met, and one which I have no clue about. My arms long to hold them and my soul longs to love them.
I think I have mentioned before that I will be traveling to Haiti this January to meet Amos. I am scared to death, and I am so unbelievably happy. Both of these feelings are very strong and both of these feelings are very real to me. I have moments of complete happiness about meeting him, and I have moments of complete fear about meeting him. The moments of happiness are easy to explain. I mean meeting your son for the first time is a moment that I will never forget or take lightly. My feelings of fear come from my fear of how he’ll react to me. I know how I’ll react to him. I love him already as my own son. He on the other hand doesn’t. He doesn’t know me. I will be a strange blanc (white person) all up in his face for six days straight! What if he doesn’t like me? What if he doesn’t respond well to me? What if he doesn’t want to spend the time with me? What if he cries for Licia and familar faces the whole time? What if … What if …. What if ….???
Have any of you other parents out there faced this? I would love suggestions, and encouragement on what to do and what I might expect on this visit. Thanks. I know God is in control and I know that it will all work out, but for some reason that is not making my fears of rejection from him any less. Even though God WILL work it out, that pain will still be real to me.