Recently I talked with a college girl who was struggling with whether or not she should break up with her boyfriend. They both loved each other and had been dating a while. They went to church together and seemed super compatible. But she kept having this nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. She told me that they had been sexually active in the past, but she was feeling as though she wanted to change that part of their relationship and she wasn’t sure how he would react. I told her that his reaction was a huge indicator as to whether or not they should stay together or not.
Sex is a big deal in a relationship. My personal feelings are that you should wait until you are married to have sex. I think this for lots of reasons, and I’ll share those another time. Jamie has done a good job of sharing one of the main reasons you should wait and that’s because waiting takes self-control, and guess what, marriage takes self-control as well. Good lessons to learn while you are dating.
Here’s what I wanted that girl to know as we talked — her feelings were important and valid. I didn’t want her to think that she was some weirdo for wanting to go back and do things differently now. That’s okay. I shared some of my story …..
When Aaron and I started dating he was the first guy that I ever dated that didn’t try to go all the way with me (which I hate that term all the way, but not sure how else to say it). The first guy people. Unfortunately, I started having sex at an early age, and to me dating relationships mirrored what I saw on tv and all my friends around me. You date someone and you sleep with them. I didn’t know another way. Actually, I had been taught another way at church, but so far in my life not much I had learned at church was working out for me, and so this didn’t either. Sometimes I felt guilty, but for most of my life this was completely normal and I would have thought that anything different was not normal.
Then I met Aaron.
Well, back track a bit. Then I met Jesus.
I grew up in church, but didn’t truly start following Jesus until I was 21. I was right in the middle of a relationship then. To say things got difficult for my conscience at that time would be an understatement. I tried to change things, and he wasn’t too happy. I’ve told you how that ended already.
Anyhow … I had never felt more loved by a guy than I did when Aaron and I were dating. The truth is that Aaron wasn’t even that good of a boyfriend at first. (He’d say that too, so I’m not talking about him behind his back!) But the thing that made me feel so loved is that I didn’t feel as though his love was conditional. His love didn’t grow or lessen based on how often we made out or had sex. He didn’t pursue me to get in bed with me, he pursued my heart.
While we were dating, I never felt pressured to do more. Never. Not once. That made me feel more loved than I ever had in my life. For the first time ever, I felt as though there was more to me as a person than just someone to get busy in the bedroom with. I was a person. I was worth more than how good I was in bed. I had never once felt this way.
So, I told that sweet girl that if he didn’t respect this decision of hers that he might not be worth dating. I know it’s harsh, but it’s true. Hold out for someone that their love for you isn’t dependent on what you do in the bedroom. Patience and self-control are huge in marriage, and I feel as though Aaron and I practiced those qualities a lot while we were dating. Find you a man that doesn’t pressure you to do more than you want. Make him value you and treat you with the most respect.