Aaron and I are running a half marathon in 17 days and I don’t feel one bit ready for this race! I have done two before and so I realize what it takes and I just hope that I get in some good runs in the next 15 days or this could be bad! I do lots and lots of thinking while I run. Sometimes I think about stupid stuff, and sometimes I think about deep stuff. Running is not always fun for me, but it is always good for me once I get out there. It’s not only good for my body, but also for my mind and soul.
Here are some of my crazy random thoughts from last night:
If you are on the sidewalk and you see a runner coming towards you it is only nice to pick a side and move. Standing in the middle makes it awkward for both of us.
Running past a McDonald’s at 5PM is not fun. The smell made my stomach hurt
Running past a bus stop with people smoking made my lungs hurt.
Honking at me while I’m running not only scares the crap out of me, but it is just rude. Rude.
If you are stopped at an intersection and a runner is about to cross, either wave them on or ask them to stop. don’t just look at them. I have no idea if you are about to hit me or not.
Metric by my house has tons of hills. UGH!
I ran in my running skirt for the first time and loved it. cool.
Not only did I have random thoughts, I also thought lots about Amos. Yesterday was a hard day for us. We had lots of tears by everyone and it is painful to watch my son not want to connect with me at times. Aaron was gone lots yesterday for work and that made a huge difference. Amos loves that guy and I think he feels safe when Aaron’s here. When he’s gone he is constantly looking for him and asking when he’ll return.
I try to make my kids obey me not just because I want to be in charge (although I am), but because I need them to obey me in certain situations or it will be bad for them. For example, it is not acceptable for a kid to run away from us when we ask them to come here. It might be cute at home in the living room and in the backyard, but it’s not cute, nor is it safe, in the parking lot at Target. Make sense? That is one of our main things we try to teach our kids when they are young.
This was hard yesterday with Amos. We are showing LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of love to this kid. I think he might be overwhelmed we love on him so much! 😉 But we’re also requiring him to come to us when we ask him to. It is really the only thing we’re being strict about. The truth is that I’m a mom to four kids and I will not feel comfortable nor safe taking them out by myself if one of them will run from me when I call them. 🙂 Yesterday, while we were playing outside I asked Amos to bring something to me and he ran away and almost (thank you Jesus) ran into the street. (Our street is very calm, but that would have freaked this new mom out) I held Amos in my arms and told him that he must obey momma when I ask him to come here. I told him that I loved him and that he was my favorite Amos and that I would never leave him and that he’ll live here forever, but he must come to mommy when I call him. I was asking him to look me in the eyes as I talked to him. He wouldn’t. He would look away. I would ask him again. He would close his eyes. I held him for what seemed like forever talking to him and loving on him and asking him to look at me. He refused.
This is the hard part of adoption. This is the part that no one wants to hear. This is the part that scares me to death. Waiting 2.5 years was nothing compared to this. I love this boy with all my heart and yet he is scared to love me completely. Honestly, I don’t blame him.
I thought about this a lot on my run. I replayed my words to him, I replayed his words to me. It breaks my heart that he is scared. But again, I don’t blame him. You see he has only seen us come and go and come and go. Each time we’re with him we have always left him. Why would he want to look into my eyes and trust me. He is scared to. I don’t blame him. He is afraid to give all of himself to me. I don’t blame him.
We are committed to Amos. We love this kid so much and have fought for him for so long. We are confident that God has HUGE plans for this little man. He is going to be used by God for big things, this momma just knows it.
I thought about my relationship with God and I wondered if sometimes I treat God this way. I’m scared to give him all I have. I’m scared to trust him. I’m scared to love him completely. Even through my fear God continues to love me, pursue me, lavish me with his love, pour his grace and mercy on my and he never ever stops. No matter what I do. He continues.
This is how we will be with Amos. We will love him. Show him grace & mercy. Pour our heart and soul out to him, and daily we will start to see his heart open to us and walls to come down. We have seen this happen with our Story. She went through grief and fear and so will Amos. We know it. We’re ready to deal with it and love him despite anything he might say to us, just like our God does.
Here are some super cute pics I took of the kids playing outside yesterday:
And here are a few from the park on Tuesday: