I seem to not be able to sit through a worship set at church these days without crying.  Usually so much that I feel awkward.  I am constantly thinking of my kids in Haiti.  When the songs are about trusting God, obeying God, loving his will …. all these things work on me.

I discovered something today.  I don’t want to trust God.  I don’t want to put all that pressure on him to pull through.  I don’t want to allow my  heart to rest.  I don’t want to rest and feel peace about this adoption.  Here’s why …. if I trust God 100% and he doesn’t have it in his will for these kids to come home then I will be pissed.  I will be let down.  I will have given him all my trust and he let me down.

Before you think that I’m super un-christian right now … please know that I’m a super emotional momma who wants all four kids under one roof.  I also am here admitting to you that i am strugging with my trust in God in our adoption.  I’m struggling.  I want to trust.  I want to sleep good at night.  I want to KNOW that he will bring them home.  I want to never doubt his will for my life.  i want to believe.  BUT whenever I tell myself this a small voice always pops up in my head telling me this …. don’t trust God … what if he lets you down … he will break your heart.

I know this sounds ridiculous.  Even typing this is asking for criticism from you all.  I’m opening up my heart and praying that you won’t crucify me for my lack of faith, but walk with me and help me increase it.  I know some of you have been there where i am.  how did you get over this hump?  how did you persevere?

OH my.  I want to TRUST.   I keep thinking of the man in the bible telling God … HELP ME BELIEVE.  I want to believe.  I want to trust.  I just need help.

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH GOD

HE HOLDS MY WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS

We sang that today.  I wept with wanting to trust.  i wept with wanting to hand my kids lives over to him.  I want to.  It is just hard.  It hurts to let go.  It hurts to feel out of control.  I like control.

God does hold MY WHOLE WORLD in his hands.  Right now my whole world is my family.  My kids in Haiti.  My kids here.  My husband.  God holds them.  I want to believe that without hesitation.

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