Today has been a teary-eyed day for me.  It seems as though I have had all four of my kids on my mind ALL day today.  I have no idea what has brought on this day of complete sadness, but I have been rather down today.

If I think too hard about Story and Amos not being here I can get very sad.  You see, I already consider myself the mom to both of these kids.  I am in no way their mom yet.  Legally I have no binds to them and they don’t have any to me.  BUT in our hearts we are family.  They boys are siblings to them and love them with all the love that 4 and 2 year old boys have for someone they have never met but know that they are brother and sister in Haiti, which happens to be far, far, far away.

I was trying to explain my feelings that I was having today to Aaron and I haven’t found the right words to explain it.  It is almost as though I feel guilty for loving on Deacon and Cayden so much while Amos and Story are still in Haiti at the rescue center.  It feels as though I’m not being faithful to them.  I feel as though if I start to have too much fun here that I’m doing something wrong because they aren’t here with us.

We tell everyone that we hope to have them home by Christmas.  In my heart I want that and try to believe it with all that is in me, but my head is telling me different.  My head is telling me to hold on and prepare for a long wait.  My head is telling me to be realistic and don’t get your hopes up.  I have seen people wait 2 years to bring their kids home, and I have seen people wait 10 months.  You just NEVER know what will happen.  I beg God to make it sooner than 2 years.

I was looking through all my pictures tonight and ran across lots of videos off of my camera of the kids.  I cried through each one.  Why do we so easily forget things about our kids as they grow up?  My kids are only 4 and 2 and I was reminded tonight of how dang cute they were when they were younger.  I had forgotten about Cayden’s little 2 year old voice, or how Deacon’s hair was crazy out of control when he was about 8 months old, or how Deacon would clap his hands as Cayden sang his ABC’s.  I also forgot the gibberish that Cayden used to talk to himself and everyone else.  I am loving Deacon’s age now (2) and looking back at these pictures of Cayden it reminded me of how much I enjoyed his 2nd year too.  So much changes between the 2nd and 3rd birthday.

Of course watching these videos and browsing pictures brought me right back to where I always end up and that is Haiti.  I have two kids sitting in Haiti that I’m missing out on their life with each day that passes on.  We found out about Amos in August of 2007 and he was 27 months old.  We missed the first 27 months of his life.  I’ll NEVER have those.  I’ll NEVER see him walk for the first time, or say his first word.  I’ll NEVER see him eat a banana for the first time, or clap his hands for the first time.  That is hard for me to deal with.  Something that’s even harder for me to deal with is that I’m missing out on Story’s life each day too.  She will change so much when I see her again in May.  The first year of a child’s life it seems as though they change week to week.  I am so sad about missing out on her first’s as well.

I can tell that this year is going to be hard on me.  My dossier has only been in Haiti for 18 days and I’m an emotional wreck today.  How will I do it?  Will my heart survive this wait?

Cayden & Deacon – the summer of 2006

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Amos & Story – Jan 2008

Gosh I miss these kids …

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