Recently one of my good friends lost a baby. I remember when she told me that the baby was gone, and I felt so helpless for her. Unfortunately she was all alone at the doctor’s office and I was hundreds of miles away, but I wanted to run there and sit with her and hold her hands in that moment. The moment that she learned that the life inside of her was gone. The moment that she learned that the baby she already loved with her whole heart was gone.
Each time I hear of a woman losing her baby via a miscarriage I’m taken back to the two miscarriages that I experienced. I’ve told you guys about one of them, but there was one more in there too. Both times I wasn’t quite ready to be a mom yet, but that didn’t change the feelings one bit. You would think that someone that wasn’t married and didn’t want kids would rejoice when it was over, but it wasn’t like that. Although it wasn’t what I wanted, I had accepted that fact and was moving forward in my new life as mom to this baby inside of me.
Sometimes I think about those two babies that I lost. I wonder what they looked like, and if they were a boy or a girl. I wonder if I could have loved them well. I wonder what they would have wanted to be when they grew up. I wonder if they would have loved Mexican food like their momma does. I wonder how my life would look different if they were here. I wonder how I would have made it as such a young mom.
I used to feel guilty when I thought about them. As if I was wanting my past back, or wasn’t remorseful for the life I used to live. I don’t feel that way anymore, and I’m glad. I’m okay with knowing that I have two babies in heaven. I believe that God creates life and knows it from the womb, and therefore I think he knew those babies, and he created them, and they were his workmanship, and therefore I’m confident that he loved them more than I ever could.
I also don’t associate shame or guilt with them anymore. True they were conceived in a time when I wasn’t walking with Jesus and wasn’t married and all that other fun yucky stuff in my life, but I am not walking in shame, I’m walking in freedom. I have been forgiven, set free, and carry no shame in my life over this or anything else in my past. Jesus didn’t die on the cross for my sin so that I could live defeated and shameful. He took them on so that I could live free in him. I refuse to cheapen his sacrifice by clinging to the sin that’s not mine to cling to anymore.
I’ll never forget sharing about these two babies to a friend one time a few years ago. I’m much more comfortable talking about this now, but at the time I had barely told many people about my two pregnancies in college. For some reason I opened up to her and she listened intently and I trusted her with my story, my pain, and my past. I cried over those babies, and again shared my guilt for that. She was so wonderful to me as she listened and prayed with me. She never made me feel shameful, but she understood my pain because she too had lost babies.
I don’t remember the words she said to me that day, but I’ll never forget what she did the next time I saw her. She was so excited and bounced over to me with a little bitty package in her hand. I was shocked because it wasn’t my birthday but she declared that she had a gift for me. I opened up that little box and there was a petite silver angel on a necklace for me. She beamed with joy as she told me that this angel was to represent my babies. I cried at this gesture from her. No one in my life had ever cared about the babies that I had lost as an unwed mother and she was caring for them and for me. She shared in my pain and she made me strong in it.
For all of you momma’s out there that have lost babies I want to tell you that I’m sorry and I understand. It doesn’t matter if you are married, unmarried, old, or young, the pain is still the same. I get it and more importantly than that, God is there for you. He is your comforter and creator.
Love you mommas that are hurting.
He gives and takes away and still my heart will say, Blessed be the Lord.