*I wrote this on Saturday evening.
After the post yesterday you are probably all wondering how today went and honestly it was our BEST DAY yet! There are a few things that happened that contributed to this best day yet and I want to share those with you.
The funny thing about yesterday’s bad day is that it was truly only about an hour in a half before, during and after lunch that were so bad. Amos is usually awake about 13 hours a day and so for us to have one bad hour really isn’t that bad in the big scheme of the day! I spent nap time reflecting on how things went downhill so badly. At the time I couldn’t look past Amos’ disobedience and rage to see anything wrong with myself.
Last night Maris came over to stay with the kids so I could go enjoy the conference that Aaron was leading worship at. Oh how amazing it was for me to #1 just get away with no kids, and #2 worship and reflect and have God point out some yucky stuff in my heart. Well the yucky stuff wasn’t so fun, but it brought so much freedom in my heart.
I realized last night as I was worshiping that not only does Amos need a healing in his heart, but all four of my kids do. They are all ugly, evil, selfish beings. They were born with a sinful nature. They don’t know the cleansing love of Jesus. I was made aware as I begged God to heal Amos that I need to also beg God to do a work in all four of my kids lives. I also began to think about my heart and how ugly and dirty it is, and yet God pursued me, loved me, and took me into his family just as I was. He didn’t require me to have all my crap together before I could become a child of His. Oh no, he took me with all my crap, and if you know me well you know that I brought lots of crap to the Father and dumped it at his feet in my early 20’s.
Last night after the service Aaron and I went out on a mini-date (thanks to the Bush’s) and we were able to talk through what had gone on during the morning with Amos. I was able to share my frustrations and he was able to listen and cast no judgment on me. It was there with him that I realized that my heart was not right yesterday with Amos. I was expecting too much of him. I was frustrated with him b/c he wasn’t obeying me, instead of loving him deeper to show him how to love and obey God more. You see, Amos has been home 2 weeks and I was expecting him to behave as though he had been here 4 & 6 years as my other boys have. Those are expectations that are unfair to be put on him. I thought I was showing him grace, but I realized today how my grace was not enough. I need grace too. We all need grace. God is lavishing us with that and I’m taking it!
I emailed a new friend of mine who just happens to be a marriage and family therapist and she shared some great ideas with me. I will be picking her brain lots over the next few months and I’m confident that she’ll have some good thoughts for me. She encouraged us in many things we were doing right, and gave us suggestions for other things to do.
Today was “Amos & Mommy” day and let me tell you this kid was very close to down right perfect today! I was so intentional on touching his face, and holding him tight and helping him feel secure. I was a better mom and we had a great day. We went to the VERGE conference to watch Aaron play and there were a few moments when he started to feel a little overwhelmed and we caught them early, dealt with them and nothing escalated to anything out of control. I think he enjoyed the one-on-one attention that he received from Aaron and I. I also think that I was able to pick up on his cues more b/c he was the only kid I had to take care of. I told Aaron today how nice it was to just have to worry about him and his needs. I think that’s a struggle is that when there are four kids you miss come cues that would have been good to have seen.
Aaron and I have a game plan. 🙂 We’re on the same page and we’re on a mission to love our son better each day. Not that we weren’t doing that before, but I think we were a little off. You know how you have a newborn and maybe around day 15 you kinda get in a groove and figure out what you are doing, well that was us today! We were doing things different and today we are at day #1 of the new game plan and I can’t wait to see how God changes all of our hearts around here. Amos is such a good kid. Oh my word this kid is good. We are beyond blessed because of his fabulous situation before coming home to us. He was loved.
I have always been honest you my readers and I will continue to do that. Yesterday was bad. Today I realized that a lot of it could have been avoided had my heart been in a better place. Today I realized that, confessed that to God and to Aaron and I have been a better mom today. It’s day by day around here.