31 BIG final Dear Jamie in 1998,

Well, your reckless lifestyle has caught up with you and you have found yourself in one of the biggest “bottom of the pit” times in your life.  You feel very scared about your future, and not certain of anything all of a sudden.

What you thought only happened to other girls has now happened to you.  You are almost 20 years old, a sophmore in college, and you are pregnant.  Although you have been playing with fire for a while, you never expected to actually get burned.  Other girls get pregnant.  Other girls have consequences.  Not you.  Surely not you.

You feel so alone in your life right now.  You feel as though your parents are going to hate you.  You have 3 friends you can share this with, and that’s it.  All the girls at your Christian college already look down on you, so this will just give them more reason to think less of you.  The guy is not anyone you would choose to marry, but you feel obligated now.

Everything is falling apart and you have no where to turn.  You finally tell your parents, and although it went better than you thought, you know they are disappointed.  Very.  You are disappointed in yourself as well.  You never thought this would be a part of your story.  An unwed mom at 20.  No one plans for that.

A few weeks later something strange is happening.  You are bleeding.  A lot.

After a call to your doctor you end up at the emergency room.  Scared and worried, because although this wasn’t your plan it is now your life and you actually love this little being inside of you.  This may not be the way you thought motherhood would come to you, but none-the-less you are embracing it and moving on.  You are a mom now, and this life although it was never intended, is now loved deeply by you.

In one of the saddest moments of your life you learn that you are misscarrying and all this will be over soon.  The tears fill your eyes as the very inconsiderate doctor walks in the room and without hesitating or offering any sympathy says, “yeap, it’s as I suspected, the baby’s dead.”  You are rocked.  In a matter of a month your life has been turned upside down and now you feel as though it’s spinning out of control.

Your guilt overtakes you.  You never wanted this and as soon as you accepted it and loved it, then God took it away.  You were confused and relieved all at the same time.  It seems that you’ve been given a second chance.  But at what expense?  The life of a child was taken away so that you could move.  Nothing seems right about any of this.

You’re going to pack your bags and move home.  The relationship was never stable and would have never gone anywhere.  What you need is a new start.

I want to tell you something and I want you to listen closely.  Yes, you have made some mistakes, and I hate to bear bad news, but this won’t be the last “bottom of the pit” experience for you, but I want you to know this – you are loved.  You are important.  You are going to find true love.  You are going to have more children some day.  You are not defined by this, and you are not less of a person because of this.

It will be years before you can even share this story with anyone.  That’s okay.  Don’t rush it and don’t feel as though you have to share with everyone, because one day you will feel comfortable with this part of your story.  You will be able to share all the goodness that God has done in your life, and this will be part of it.  Your actions surely have consequences, but all things in your life will shape you.  You will be stronger because of this.  You will minister to girls better because of this.  You will understand God’s grace more because of this, and you will see the grace of God in your life as you get older and his plan continues to unfold for you.

I’m sorry that you are going through this.  You are so young, and this is so much to carry.  Please know that your life is not over, yet there are some amazing things ahead for you.  Also don’t let that lie in your head that says you are now worthless ever become truth to you.  It’s not.  You are worthy of love, and one day in spite of all the hardships you will endure you will find a man that loves you for who you are and sees you as beautiful, wonderful, worthy, and pure.

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