deacon hospital Dear Jamie of 2005,

Your second son has just been born and you had no clue how you would feel about him.  You didn’t birth him, and your biggest fear would be that you would look at him and feel nothing.  That you would feel as though it was your neighbors baby, or maybe even your nephew, but not your son.

You have a son already and you remember that feeling you felt only 22 months earlier when you first saw him.  Your life was forever changed by Cayden, and now your second son is here, and you can’t help but wonder what this will do to you.

You waited all day long for Deacon to be born.  His first mom was induced and so you were able to drive to San Antonio from TN and be there when he was born.

After the longest day ever they finally called you and Aaron back to the nursery.  You had no idea what to expect.  No one can prepare you for this moment.  The moment you meet your son for the first time through a glass window.  It’s surreal.

You walk to the window and wonder which one is your son.  There are several babies in there.  The anticipation is breathtaking.  Finally the nurse on the other side of the window walks over to the cutest baby in there, and holds him up for you to see.

It’s your son.  Your first view of him is so memorable, that you will never forget this moment.  Your eyes swell with tears as you are experiencing this first.  They called Deacon “Baby BUFA”, which means baby up for adoption.  I hated that name, but it’s what they did.  To us, you were Deacon.

They then let you, Aaron and Cayden go into a room  where you would hold your son for the first time.  You and Aaron thought it would only be appropriate for the big brother to do the honors, and so Cayden was the first person to hold his little brother.  He will actually be proud of that fact for a long time.

Your fears are relieved.  You do love this child.  You look at him and you see what you see in Cayden.  God put that in you, because that’s not natural.  You didn’t carry him in your womb for 9 months and develop those feelings.  You developed feelings for a child and had no idea who that child was, and now God was bringing it all together.

Over the next few weeks you’ll spend time in Texas waiting on papers to be cleared to send you home.  During that time you get to spend some great time with Deacon’s birth mom, that will start something beautiful between your family and her.  Oh and believe it or not, the wait during your domestic adoption wasn’t the worst thing in your life.  In two years you’ll start an international adoption that will rock you to the core.

Love,

Jamie of 2013