Not sure if I’m morbid, crazy or sentimental, but every time I leave to get on an airplane I think about the what ifs that might happen. I mean the news lately is not helping the situation either with all their talk about how unsafe our security check points are and the disasters that could have happened on Christmas day. It’s like the thought is just hanging out in my head and I don’t stop thinking about it until I get off the plane at my final destination.
I’m not scared of flying. I’m not even scared of dying. I just don’t want to die right now.
This morning as I dropped Cayden off at school and told him bye not only for today, but for four night-nights, I teared up as I drove off because in my mind I thought what if this is the last time I saw him and he saw me.
Oh my word did I just reveal an inward struggle of mine. I fear something happening to someone in my family, whether that be me leaving my family or them leaving me (through death that is).
This morning as I was showering I thought about writing a letter to my kids and Aaron just in case. (I usually do this every time I leave the country) Then I reminded myself that people travel every day and I’m probably more likely to die driving a car around town than I am in an airplane. None the less I still think these thoughts. I convinced myself to not write the letter. And for the love I’m just flying to Orlando.
As much as I struggle with this I have come so far in this area of my life. I mean so far. For as long as I remember I have had a fear of losing someone close to me. As a little girl I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming b/c I was having a nightmare that my dad had died. Then I got married and those dreams transfered to Aaron dying. I haven’t had one of those in a while.
I have also come so far in my faith, that I’m truly getting to a point where I can say how glorious it would be to be with Jesus right now. I love Jesus with all that is in me, but selfishly I want to watch my kids grow up, send them to college, have grandkids, travel with Aaron, life a long life. Is that so bad to say.
But today as I was driving home from dropping Cayden off I actually was able to remind myself of the joy that would be in my soul if I did die. I mean I would be in heaven with my LORD and savior and my Grandpa and all the saints that have gone before me. It made me smile at the thought. I know it would be sad for my family, but life would go on. They would have memories and the joy of looking forward to our reunion.
Not sure why I started out my Thursday with such morbid thoughts, but that’s me. Here I am. All of me. Stupid thoughts and all.