I started this blog a long time ago and named it dreaming big dreams since that is what I wanted my life to be about. I wanted to be someone that dreamed big things and allowed God to use her in the those things. I wanted more.
When we started our international adoption in 2007, I was dreaming big and asking God to move me towards him. When we visited Haiti and brought friends with us, we begged God to move their hearts towards the least of these that we visited. When we supported the ministry that was taking care of my kids in Haiti and we rallied funds for them, we begged God to bless them and increase their work there. When people asked me about adoption, I begged God to move their heart if that’s what he had for their family.
I was dreaming big.
Then my kids came home and I felt as though my dream left. I felt as though my voice was gone. I was knee deep in the thick of adoption trauma and was no longer an adequate advocate for adoption. I was hurting. My child was hurting. My other kids were hurting. My home was upside down and in my mind my big dreams were gone.
For a while I have felt as though my voice was gone, and lately I have been begging God to show me where he wants me to use it. For a while now, I have struggled with what my life looks like as a mom and how sometimes my fantasy ideas of “truly” changing the world rid me of sleep.
Some days I feel as though I don’t dream big, and honestly have forgotten how to do it.
I recently read a few of the first chapters of Jennie Allen’s new book Restless, and the tears whelled up instantly in my eyes as I felt as though she was in my head listening to my thoughts. She writes:
“The Spirit of God has dreams for you. And he has given you an abundance of gifts, resources, people, and vision to accomplish his dreams for you.”
To read the words the spirt of God has dreams for you made me weep. Really? Me? I’m so small in this big world that we live in. I’m just a mom (for the record I hate that just, but honestly I feel that way sometimes, even though I know it’s not true), what can I do that’s so big for you? I want dreams. I want to do something big.
I had lost sight of the fact that God has placed me here for such a time as this and I keep waiting around and wish for another time. A flashier time. I time that seems more important. A time that feels easier. I had forgotten that if I’m alive and breathing that God is using me. I’m here, and want to make it count, because in a flash of an eye I’ll be gone.
I feel like my restlessness is not a feeling that just I am feeling. I feel like there are women all around that are in the midst of dealing with this feeling of “is this it?”.
Friends, I want to know his word, and know the needs around me and go after them. I want to beg God for big dreams and let him be the judge of how big they are, and not the world. I want to not look around me and wish I had her gifts, or could write like her, or could juggle all those gifts like her, or could speak like her. I want to be ME and do what GOD has dreamed for me.
“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.” I Cor 2.9
I’m ready to start dreaming big dreams again. Wanna join me?
I’m grateful to Jennie and her ministry and I’d love to bless 5 of you with copies to her new book! Enter below:
Jennie Allen writes in Restless: Because You Were Made for More, “We are called to dream but we’re afraid to. But because we are called, when we don’t act on it we become restless—restless to find purpose, to make a difference in the world, to matter.” What if discovering God’s unique calling for your life is your greatest responsibility, second only to knowing and loving God? Your restlessness may very well be a divine invitation to purpose, calling and life.