I remember when I would travel back and forth to Haiti to visit my kids. When I was there I would long to be with my kids in Austin, and dream of sleeping in the same bed as Aaron. My heart was so grateful and joyous to be with my kids in Haiti, but I missed my other kids so much. I would be there for a week, love on my two kids and Haiti all while yearning for my kids in Austin. Then I would fly home, and as soon as I was home I would give anything for one more hug from my kids in Haiti. One more walk down to the river and back. One more time of holding hands. I wanted to be right back where I just was, and although my heart was so full from being with my kids in Austin, I wanted to go right back where I had just come from.
My heart was always torn.
I also remember what I would feel like when I returned home to Austin. Life never stopped here while I was gone. The world kept rotating and people never stopped moving. I would return and feel as though my life had been altered. I had visited my precious babies and then had to LEAVE my precious babies and no one here was any different. It wasn’t their fault. They didn’t leave their babies. They didn’t see what I saw. They didn’t smell what I smelt. They didn’t touch the people I touched. Their lives weren’t mine.
I was always different and no one else was.
For the longest time this was so frustrating to me. I wanted everyone to understand my pain. I wanted everyone to get what I had just been through. But it wasn’t their life. They weren’t walking my shoes.
I felt that feeling again today as I talked to my mom on the phone. She’s still in the hospital and will be for probably three more days. I yearn to be with her. I know I can’t physically help her, but I can sit with her. I can just be with her. Yet while I’m there I miss my kids. I think of all that I need to be doing at home. I realize my absence around here is nothing to take lightly. I also realize that I want to just sit beside my mom all day. I want to be there when the nurses come in. I want to be there when she needs help. I want to be there to hear the doctor’s orders. I want to be there.
But yet I’m here. I’m with my family. I’m with my kids. I’m being mom. Today my heart is so torn. I know my mom is fine, and she’s gonna recover, and there’s nothing I can truly do for her there, but oh my heart is longing to sit beside her all day long. And yet, the world never stops spinning here. Laundry still gets dirty. Kids still have homework. People still go to work. Deadlines still show up. Life goes on. All while my mom is still in the hospital.
So, today as I go throughout my day and do all the things that will make up my day, I’m going to try very hard to be confident that I’m in the place I need to be at this moment. I will listen to God and when I feel I need to go, I will go, but if I feel I need to stay I will stay. I want to lean into him. I will get my strength for today from HIM and HIM alone.
Psalm 84:5-7 “Blessed are those whose strength is in you, in whose heart are the highways to Zion. As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.”
Philippians 4: 4-8 “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Matthew 11: 28-30 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”